Season of Change

 

                                                         (Picture taken by my mom Laurie Race)

As I write this, we are in the middle of the season of change: autumn or fall--whichever you prefer. A season of change, and of so much else: of fall leaves, of beauty, of autumn breezes, of leaf piles and memories, scarves, fall hats, coats, and blankets snuggled up on the couch with loved ones watching TV or reading a book. Apple cider and homemade applesauce, pumpkin pie, pumpkin spice, and autumn tea, and sipping pumpkin spice lattes with friends (or just regular coffee). Autumn skies, watching the geese head south for the winter, an abundance and a harvest of plenty, a season of thankfulness. A season of gathering with loved ones and friends and sharing. A season of preparedness for the season of winter. 

 From Autumn we learn that change can be beautiful.

The truth is Autumn isn't just one of the four seasons of the year, it's one of the four seasons of life, too--one I've been going through, and I’ve been thinking about the fact that I'm going through a lot of the same things as autumn at the same time as autumn. There have been a lot of changes in my life in less than a years time--more change than I'm used to happening so quickly--even to the point where I've struggled with hating change. Change can be good and cause one to grow and blossom, but I still struggle with it as change is not always easy. (Okay, to be honest, I more than struggle with it! It's not easy; it's hard!) 

Growing up I loved change, no matter how much there was or how often it happened. I'm slowly working towards embracing the change again and learning to love it! There was a lot of change for me growing up. My family moved into a camper when I was about twelve and did a lot of traveling. There were nine of us living together: my parents, six of my sisters, and I. We moved to a lot of new places; our setting was ever-changing. Also, we were involved in different religions at different times; I went through a huge phase from the age of sixteen until recently this year where I didn't know what I believed or what was true anymore because what we believed in changed so much.

When I was seven, my parents left the Christian faith and went Messianic. When I was fourteen, we left for Judaism and got involved in the Noahide belief system while waiting to convert to Judaism. In Judaism, there is more than one branch and so many different opinions (but I guess you have that in a lot of religions). I studied and looked into so many things within the religion, but anytime I got excited and shared my thoughts or what I had learned, I was told I was wrong, even if I was not. This reinforced my feelings of being dumb and stupid. I felt like I just didn't know anything. I turned sixteen and started questioning for myself. I defended Judaism because I wasn't sure what else to defend, but I felt lost and like nothing was worth believing because what was the point; it always turned out to be false in the end, and we would go on. 

I went to church last year on Easter Sunday with a cousin when she invited me. I liked it; it caused me to ask questions and got me out of the house, but I eventually quit attending.

Last Fall my mom reached out to a church care team asking for help. They invited her to church, and she went. Later she asked me to attend with her, and since then my life has not stopped changing. She had reached out for help due to her marriage and the way our life had been for a while. I got involved in a life group but struggled with attending. (My mom made me sign up, or she signed up for me I think, and I’m thankful for that now.) Everyone was open with one another in the group (something I  wasn't used to). Thrown into a world of people! I was no longer isolated and was able to begin making friends. Making friends has been very difficult for me as it was something I didn't have much experience with. I didn't have friends growing up and wasn't really allowed to, or given that chance. Since then I've also accepted Jesus after meeting with my life group leader and others (who are now good friends) for coffee (of course it was for coffee, no duh!) and arguing and debating (something else I absolutely love!) for a very long time. I think I fought the idea for around six months in total.... I can't remember exactly how long. I finally accepted Jesus this past Easter weekend and was baptized in July. I've grown in my beliefs and I enjoy forming my own opinions and thoughts and studying the Bible. 

My parents went through a divorce this year. It was recently finalized. Things have been difficult, painful, and hard, as sometimes change is. My mom reaching out to the care team in the first place has allowed change to be possible. There's been a lot of change for me: making friends, having connection and community, working on being myself, gaining confidence (still struggling here), working on reprogramming my brain about my worth as a woman and in who I am. 

I still struggle with feeling that I have worth and that I'm not stupid or dumb and that I have talent and potential. It's hard to reprogram when you thought you had the truth but didn’t. But it's coming along; I have made progress and the change has been good. The friends I have now have made this possible by being there for me and encouraging me, and reminding me over and over again of my real true worth. Now don't get me wrong, I don't always remember the truth and sometimes forget about my worth (okay a lot still!) but it's coming along. I mean the leaves don't all change color at once; some take longer to change and they don't all fall at once either. Some just take longer to let go. 

The falling of the leaves leave the tree bare and vulnerable, and it may seem as though it's lost all its beauty. When we let our old habits or old beliefs fall away, or those things that we hold onto that are holding us down and keeping us from growing, it leaves us real, raw, and vulnerable. It's actually a good thing to be real and raw. We need to start over and grow new leaves with what matters (this happens in the season of Spring when we grow new shoots) and then the real beauty can shine through. Like a tree letting go of it’s leaves, I've also let go of old habits, beliefs, and thought patterns.  Just letting them fall away leaves me free. 

I've changed how I handle it when not treated right or fairly by the ones who should care. (That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt anymore, it still does.) I've lost the friends that were keeping me from growing and I've gained new ones that encourage and love me and are real. Friendships and relationships have changed greatly. I'm learning to set boundaries and stick with them. I've grown in that I believe I have value even if sometimes I doubt it. Sometimes all it takes is a reminder. My life keeps changing, being flipped upside down. Sometimes it feels like it's shattering into a thousand tiny pieces, but maybe it's actually Fall-ing into place. (Falling as in Fall/Autumn) That's a thought that I've been trying to grasp of late. Like the hard Autumn wind that seems angry and it pulls the leaves from the trees, so with change and my life. I've had to learn to fly with it! 

Earlier this year I had picked some words for the year. They were Gratitude, Change, Strength, and Breakthrough. Wow have they been true for this year! I've learned to have Gratitude and to be thankful--something that's so hard when going through so much, but it makes it easier to get through the tough stuff. I know I tend to be somewhat negative and look on the negative side a bit much, but I'm working on changing that. I've gotten better over the months, I think. Growing up I can remember almost always looking on the bright side, or trying to. I want to get back to that! And of course, I'm working on changing with the changes. I've gotten stronger over this past year by dealing with a lot of drama and trauma, and I'm realizing just how strong I am and that when I feel weak and like I can't do this anymore, it's the enemy talking to me. In the past I always felt I had to be strong enough to get through it by myself, but now I can rely on the strength of Jesus when my strength fails. Finally, there’s the word Breakthrough. I am an overcomer. I have made a breakthrough, and I can have a better life no matter who says otherwise.

I have a few new words now,  Connection, Creation, and Lessons. No, this season in my life isn't finished and although there are plenty of days I wish it was, I'm thankful for a chance for change. I'm healing, learning, growing, and becoming who I'm meant to be.

Fall/Autumn=Change-------   Change, Contemplate, From Autumn we learn that change CAN be beautiful, and Change leads to growth. Embrace the Change. When Life's falling apart maybe it's actually falling into place. Fly with it! 

Have Gratitude: work to become more thankful (Maybe keep a Gratitude Journal and every day write down one or two things that you're thankful for). Change is good: Go with the Change, progress is possible! Strength: No matter what you're going through you've got this! You are stronger than you know, this season won't last forever. Breakthrough: You will make a breakthrough, you can overcome! 

In a future post I will share about another season, I hope the season of change blesses you in some way.

Much love,

Esther