God in The Storm

 

 

 I did this oil painting back in 2018 and call it the Storm.

The feelings of anxiety and depression are real. I thought I was done with this season in my life, at least for now, but I'm not. Inside I'm drowning, I'm exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically. I've been great at hiding it and trying to convince myself that I'm fine, but I know I’m not. I think I should be okay, even though I've been through a lot, it's hard to remember that it's okay if I'm not okay.

Anyone who knows me knows I don't like to rest, I don't like to go slow, and I'm always ahead of myself. I let everyone else's needs and wants run over my own. It’s hard to take care of me.  I always feel selfish or guilty. This leads to exhaustion, more depression, anxiety, and panic attacks.

There are times I just want to cry, I want to be okay, I want to feel rested, I want a good life, preferably one that's easier. I watched the Chosen a couple weeks ago at the theater with my boyfriend (new update I have a boyfriend now). It was the season finale for season 3. It was good. Simon was going through stuff, he was angry and hurting. I just love how they make the show so relatable. The conversation he had with Jesus from the boat (more like yelling at God) and then when he walked on the water before he started to sink. I loved how Jesus just held him when they were in the boat and reassured him that he was there for him. Jesus had to remind Simon that he didn't promise things would be easy. Anyway it was so powerful! You should watch it. It made me want to cry. I really needed to see that. It really reminded me how I need to keep my eyes on God throughout the storm. He can and will give me rest, he is there always, and he is never leaving me. He is holding me through all this and he won't let me sink or drown. He's walking on the water and He's got me. I can talk to God, I can tell him why I'm angry, and I can yell or scream. He can take it and he will still love me and still be there with me in this storm.

Saturday night a week ago at church, Jason spoke about fear and anxiety. It hit home for me. The battles I'm going through are hard, and I’m dealing with horrible anxiety. I'm not always, and there are days I'm fine, but there are days that I'm not.

There are so many people in the Bible who also had fear, and God accepted their fear and doubt, he didn't get angry with them for it. It’s okay to have fear and anxiety, it’s okay to have doubt and questions, some of the greatest people in the Bible did!

It’s not always easy to accept this, to accept that it’s okay. To accept that it’s alright when I'm not okay, I don't have to have it all together all the time, I don't have to be perfect. Last year I had a knife pulled on me by someone who should have known better, someone who I loved and trusted. He insisted it was a joke, but it has left me dealing with crippling anxiety and fear. I deal with PTSD now, I've struggled with horrible PTSD nightmares, and panic attacks if something such as a TV show has a knife scene in it. My mom and I sometimes go down to visit her family and my grandma always has the TV on and sometimes it’s old westerns and there tends to be a lot of knife fights or knife scenes. My mom and aunt have had to calm me down and I have to leave the room. It’s not as bad as it used to be, but it’s still bad. I have anxiety when in the kitchen and someone is using a knife to cut vegetables or meat or something. I often leave the room, and if not, sometimes I fight panic attacks. Unloading the dishwasher I always get the knives put away as soon as possible. It’s just caused a lot of trauma for me that I'm still dealing with. Just seeing someone with a pocketknife out in public gives me flashbacks to the weekend in January. Anxiety is not easy to live with. It’s a huge exhausting battle all on  its own. I was especially struggling last month during the weekend that it had occurred and that's the weekend that my boyfriend Q and I made our relationship official! I felt like God redeemed that weekend for me as now I have something else to think about for that weekend.

My heart breaks for any one of you going through anxiety and trauma. I know the stories are different but I get the flashbacks, the sleepless nights, the fear, the wondering if it’s you, the depression, hurt, anger, panic attacks and not being able to function. In a heartbeat your whole world changes. It’s hard to just survive sometimes. It’s hard to keep going. Then, even when your battle is won you often let fear control your life, even when you are safe.

Sometimes we wonder why God let this happen to us? Like why? How?  I want you to know that God's heart broke when you went through what you did. He cried when you cried. He didn't turn away, he didn't look away when you were hurt. He hurts too when his precious child went through this. Just like any loving parent, He would have wanted to protect you. He was there for you to fall into his arms, He has been there every step of the way since the incident too. Any loving father would be. So you ask "Then why didn't he keep it from happening?" I know I have asked that question before. The answer is, we are not robots and we have free will. It's not God’s fault when someone uses their free will to harm someone. That person made a bad choice, and it’s not your fault. We don't like having overprotective parents or controlling parents, right? Well God is not an overprotective or controlling parent. He is there to guide us, help us along the way and hold us when we hurt or feel like we can't continue. He is fighting our battles.

The hard part is giving our fear and anxiety over to God. It’s just too much for us. It weighs us down. It keeps us frozen and afraid to live. A life of fear is no life at all. We have to be able to live. We can still have some fear, but giving it to God allows us to live and breathe. I have some scripture I would like to share with you:

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6 God goes with you, he doesn't walk away when you are fighting a battle, when you are hurt by someone, He gives you the strength to keep going, He is the strength. Because he is always there and will never leave means you can be bold and courageous and live life.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." Psalm 23:4 The valley of the shadow of death, I've been there. Have you? When you are walking through this valley God is right there walking with you, beside you. You don't have to fear evil, because He is with you. Like a good shepherd he will not let you go astray from the path, and if you do he goes and finds you and brings you back. When you don't have good footing he will bring you to sure footing. And He will comfort you through this hard time and you will come out of that valley and into a meadow one day.

"For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you." Isaiah 41:13 Isn't it nice to know that God holds us? He holds your hand and he won't let go, he won't let you fall. You don't have to fear because he will help you. If you have made it through a dark time in your life, through battles, crippling anxiety, trauma, it’s because he helped you get through it. Even on the days when you didn't think you would make it, he helped you. He held your hand and didn't let go.

"You shall not fear them, for it is the Lord your God who fights for you." Deuteronomy 3:22 Let God fight your battles, say "God, I can't do this anymore, I need you." He knows you need him, he wants to fight your battles for you, let him.

"But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: 'Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine." Isaiah 43:1 God redeemed YOU, He called YOU, YOU are his! Jesus died for you to redeem you, he paid the price that we should have paid, that we deserved. He did it for you, he calls you to him, you are his. He loves you so much. A father who does this cares so much for you. You can trust him, give him your life, your anxiety and fear. Let him fight your battles and hold you safe. 

"Fear not, therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows." Matthew 10:31 God made the sparrows and he cares for them, but you are of more value to him than a whole flock of sparrows. He sees when a sparrow falls, and so he sees when you are hurt, when you fall and need help, when someone hurts you. He hurts too. He loves you. 

God is in this story. God is in this storm. God is in this journey. I know sometimes it may not feel like he's even there, but he is, I promise and he himself promises. He is in control, but we have free will. So it’s not his fault when someone does something they shouldn't. But He is still in control, and he will fight for you, walk with you and be there for you. You can fall into his arms anytime. He holds you. When you're having a panic attack and feel like you can't breathe; he's there with you. He's got you. He gives you breath, his breath so you can breathe. The breath of life. The name of God is Yahweh and the word Yahweh is like the sound of breathing.

 I actually started this post over two weeks ago and never finished because fear got in my way. Yes I obviously still deal with fear and anxiety and probably will for a while. So I stopped and then that Saturday night after listening to the sermon and church decided to finish. Also I have a little calendar thing that has a quote for each day. Saturday it was "BE SCARED and do it anyway." February 11th. We have to live life and not let fear control us, the time to live is now! It’s okay to be scared, but don't let that control you.

I'm not sure who needs to hear this, but I'm saying it. No matter what you are going through right now, please know that you are not alone. God is with you. It’s okay to need help and to get help. There is no shame there at all. Please know that you don't have to walk this road alone. Reach out to someone. You are loved, you are important, and you are needed. This world is better with you in it. I may not know you but God does and I know that God has a plan and a purpose for you, a future and a hope. He has had this plan since you were formed in the womb. 

Be scared and do it anyway!

Love,

Esther